Friendships
Throughout the past few years I have been blessed with some very helpful, compassionate, understanding friends. I have also had to bear the hurt, rejection, and sometimes betrayal of those once closest to me. About a year into my ordeal, I would come to understand just how chronic illness would impact friendships and become peaceful a year or so later with learning to be alone.
I was always a social person, the first to create an extravagant event at my home, invite 60-80 guests and make "special treats" homemade. This, I could no longer do. I had a history of being "fun", "life of the party", I used to enjoy the occasional bottle or two of wine, and the crazy events that arose from them. Lots of memories had been made over the years within my group of friends. My health no longer allowed me to be this person, the pain put a stop to the fun, no doubt. One thing I could still do was give. When I was invited places, I still offered to bring homemade treats, or a "special basket" or anything to help out. I would spend my physical and emotional energy making sure this got taken care of. Not because my friends asked (although sometimes they did), but because I offered and wanted to do it. As time went on, it always seemed like the thoughtfulness was not always returned. Please know, these were not people I had known a short time, these were "friends" I had knows over 10 years.
As I struggled physically and I could no longer work in the Fall of 2016, I felt excruciating loss. I struggled to walk, to drive, even to get to the store. I am not one to ask for help, but I am one to offer, always. As I look back, I sat alone daily, sometimes I received a call or a text to check in, but the isolation set in, the long-term friends started to disappear.
I had recently met a couple new ladies, and gotten in contact with some of my friends I had lost contact with over the years who began to offer meals, rides, and just to come sit with me to visit. It truly boggled my mind. Where were my friends? My friends of so many years that I had done so much for? I was going through one of the darkest times of my life and I feel like they disappeared. Even some of my family were not as involved as I would have thought they would have been. I know people were tired of hearing about my conditions and believe me, so was I. I was so exhausted, but at the same time, I was terrified, facing another surgery of what had gotten me to this debilitating state in the first place. I had finally gained some understanding of my conditions from the specialists I had grown to trust. I feel some people never took the time to understand and learn about what I was going through. I sure appreciated the ones that had. A couple of the "new" ladies began bringing meals, driving me to appointments and visiting a couple days a week. Looking back, this is truly what got me through the summer of 2017. I could not have done it without them.
I remember I was on the phone once with Carrie and she asked how I was so I started on my long tyraid of the confusing explanation. Mid sentence she cut me off "I have to get going...". This wasn't the first or only time this happened to me. I guess I would have just preferred people did not try to be polite and ask how I was doing, cause I honestly did not know. I knew I was scared, sad, grieving, confused, and in pain. I had people talking behind my back, of course this was inevitable. They were criticizing me for using Social Media to discuss my ordeal or posting about my upcoming events. It's just that, MY ordeal. I have my reasons for posting about MY ordeal on social media. I have dozens upon dozens of family and close friends that live out of state and do care how I am doing and would like to know what is going on and stay updated. That is why I chose to use that forum for informing them. I do not owe anyone an explanation (or apology) for this, like I said, it is my ordeal, I can chose to go through this journey however I may. Friends (of many years) stopped talking to me because I "complained too much". Let me tell you... I have earned the right to complain, if you do not want to hear a friend "complain" after a tragic incident, do not ask them "how are you doing". The other thing, I can only hope and pray any of my friends do not experience anything like this or any chronic illness that they would have to live with chronic pain for the rest of their life. For any reason, if they did, I would be the first person with a listening ear, because that's who I am. It saddens me greatly to have to hear this second hand. I do not see myself as "complaining" and most that know me would say the complete opposite actually. I often feel frustrated, scared, and a huge sense of loss.
Due to the above circumstances I got the book "When Friendships Hurt". I wanted to sort through some of what I was facing. The book laid it out exactly. In a friendship you have to have four things: Trust, Empathy, Confidentiality, Honesty. I knew right away what was missing from some of these friendships that had disappeared...Empathy. I felt like it was possible some didn't take the time to learn my conditions or how severely it had affected my life. I was not angry with any of those friends, I just would never understand why they isolated me. If God did it for my protection, then I am blessed. All I know is that in my mind, the rationale was I had known them the longest, why weren't they the ones calling, coming to sit with me, offering meals, and rides? When I would do the same? It just never made sense and it hurt deeply. The ladies that got me through 2017, I truly owe them. I can not describe what this means to me. I can tell you I was in a very dark place emotionally, and I can tell you I was very dependent on others Physically. They got me through.
Surgery was August 8, 2017, I felt supported by many of the "new" friends. The friends that I had known for years still never came around. I never received texts or calls. Its possible they checked the website we set up. Days, weeks, months have passed, I have learned to enjoy my own company and be alone without feeling lonely.
I have no hard feelings towards any of my long-time friends. I have had to learn to get passed these instances and prepare myself for more. One thing that happens often, cancelling. People do not realize how much effort it takes me to get ready for social events, to plan, to get dressed etc. I had a friend visiting from out of town, we had plans to meet for dinner. It was an all day ordeal for me to plan to go to dinner. I had to make sure I got adequate rest all day. It takes me 2-3 hours to bathe and get dressed as I can not do this routine all at once, it is too painful for me and I have to make sure it is around my medication routine. I got it done! I was dressed, was charging Stim Jim, and I received the dreaded text message.. "sorry we have to cancel tonight". Two hours before! It is so difficult to maintain friendships. That is one goal of my blog, to educate people, friendships with chronically ill people take education. It takes awareness, it takes being mindful. Canceling two hours before cost me a whole day of energy that could have been spent in a much different way. It also cost me the next day.
I was always a social person, the first to create an extravagant event at my home, invite 60-80 guests and make "special treats" homemade. This, I could no longer do. I had a history of being "fun", "life of the party", I used to enjoy the occasional bottle or two of wine, and the crazy events that arose from them. Lots of memories had been made over the years within my group of friends. My health no longer allowed me to be this person, the pain put a stop to the fun, no doubt. One thing I could still do was give. When I was invited places, I still offered to bring homemade treats, or a "special basket" or anything to help out. I would spend my physical and emotional energy making sure this got taken care of. Not because my friends asked (although sometimes they did), but because I offered and wanted to do it. As time went on, it always seemed like the thoughtfulness was not always returned. Please know, these were not people I had known a short time, these were "friends" I had knows over 10 years.
As I struggled physically and I could no longer work in the Fall of 2016, I felt excruciating loss. I struggled to walk, to drive, even to get to the store. I am not one to ask for help, but I am one to offer, always. As I look back, I sat alone daily, sometimes I received a call or a text to check in, but the isolation set in, the long-term friends started to disappear.
I had recently met a couple new ladies, and gotten in contact with some of my friends I had lost contact with over the years who began to offer meals, rides, and just to come sit with me to visit. It truly boggled my mind. Where were my friends? My friends of so many years that I had done so much for? I was going through one of the darkest times of my life and I feel like they disappeared. Even some of my family were not as involved as I would have thought they would have been. I know people were tired of hearing about my conditions and believe me, so was I. I was so exhausted, but at the same time, I was terrified, facing another surgery of what had gotten me to this debilitating state in the first place. I had finally gained some understanding of my conditions from the specialists I had grown to trust. I feel some people never took the time to understand and learn about what I was going through. I sure appreciated the ones that had. A couple of the "new" ladies began bringing meals, driving me to appointments and visiting a couple days a week. Looking back, this is truly what got me through the summer of 2017. I could not have done it without them.
I remember I was on the phone once with Carrie and she asked how I was so I started on my long tyraid of the confusing explanation. Mid sentence she cut me off "I have to get going...". This wasn't the first or only time this happened to me. I guess I would have just preferred people did not try to be polite and ask how I was doing, cause I honestly did not know. I knew I was scared, sad, grieving, confused, and in pain. I had people talking behind my back, of course this was inevitable. They were criticizing me for using Social Media to discuss my ordeal or posting about my upcoming events. It's just that, MY ordeal. I have my reasons for posting about MY ordeal on social media. I have dozens upon dozens of family and close friends that live out of state and do care how I am doing and would like to know what is going on and stay updated. That is why I chose to use that forum for informing them. I do not owe anyone an explanation (or apology) for this, like I said, it is my ordeal, I can chose to go through this journey however I may. Friends (of many years) stopped talking to me because I "complained too much". Let me tell you... I have earned the right to complain, if you do not want to hear a friend "complain" after a tragic incident, do not ask them "how are you doing". The other thing, I can only hope and pray any of my friends do not experience anything like this or any chronic illness that they would have to live with chronic pain for the rest of their life. For any reason, if they did, I would be the first person with a listening ear, because that's who I am. It saddens me greatly to have to hear this second hand. I do not see myself as "complaining" and most that know me would say the complete opposite actually. I often feel frustrated, scared, and a huge sense of loss.
Due to the above circumstances I got the book "When Friendships Hurt". I wanted to sort through some of what I was facing. The book laid it out exactly. In a friendship you have to have four things: Trust, Empathy, Confidentiality, Honesty. I knew right away what was missing from some of these friendships that had disappeared...Empathy. I felt like it was possible some didn't take the time to learn my conditions or how severely it had affected my life. I was not angry with any of those friends, I just would never understand why they isolated me. If God did it for my protection, then I am blessed. All I know is that in my mind, the rationale was I had known them the longest, why weren't they the ones calling, coming to sit with me, offering meals, and rides? When I would do the same? It just never made sense and it hurt deeply. The ladies that got me through 2017, I truly owe them. I can not describe what this means to me. I can tell you I was in a very dark place emotionally, and I can tell you I was very dependent on others Physically. They got me through.
Surgery was August 8, 2017, I felt supported by many of the "new" friends. The friends that I had known for years still never came around. I never received texts or calls. Its possible they checked the website we set up. Days, weeks, months have passed, I have learned to enjoy my own company and be alone without feeling lonely.
I have no hard feelings towards any of my long-time friends. I have had to learn to get passed these instances and prepare myself for more. One thing that happens often, cancelling. People do not realize how much effort it takes me to get ready for social events, to plan, to get dressed etc. I had a friend visiting from out of town, we had plans to meet for dinner. It was an all day ordeal for me to plan to go to dinner. I had to make sure I got adequate rest all day. It takes me 2-3 hours to bathe and get dressed as I can not do this routine all at once, it is too painful for me and I have to make sure it is around my medication routine. I got it done! I was dressed, was charging Stim Jim, and I received the dreaded text message.. "sorry we have to cancel tonight". Two hours before! It is so difficult to maintain friendships. That is one goal of my blog, to educate people, friendships with chronically ill people take education. It takes awareness, it takes being mindful. Canceling two hours before cost me a whole day of energy that could have been spent in a much different way. It also cost me the next day.
Comments
Post a Comment