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It’s been far too long.

I should just start over… that’s how long it’s been since I have updated my blog.   I can tell you why without any other reason:   Depression!   Yep, it happened to me.   I debated wanting to tell the whole world, but I thought just maybe something positive might come of it, and it might just help someone else.  We aren’t just talking “sadness”, or slight depression cured by your primary care Doctors antidepressant prescription.    It went much deeper and darker than that.  At its worst, I could not care for myself, barely get myself food/water, medication, let alone get out of bed for days on end.   I missed 11 appointments at one point, and didn’t call to cancel nor answer the phone when they called to ask where I was at.    My husband was overseeing my nutrition, my medicine, my safety, and all the household responsibilities.  I had lost 20 pounds in two weeks, as a I had no interest in any food.     There were periods of time I didn’t leave the house for weeks at a time, but the in
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Long time no talk-update

 I haven’t written in 9 months... why?   I do not know.  Combination of many things:    Depression, and just the fact that there is no end to this.   It’s seems so negative to write all the time.   Although I know writing is therapeutic.  I see no cure in the future of Arachnoiditis, and once you have had Cauda Equina Syndrome, they can not go back and fix it.    There are stages of Arachnoiditis, mine has of course has Progressed to the worst which is Adhesive Arachnoiditis.   All of the nerve roots are clumped together in the thecal sac.  Unsure if it is impeding the cerebral spinal fluid flow yet, but could be.   Let’s not forget the Pudendal Nerve Injury.  That also can’t be “cured”.  I will be continuing with Botox  into the pelvic floor muscles as soon as Dr Hibner gets established at his new practice.  He will also order more pelvic floor therapy which I have done for 6 years.  Without it, I seem to go backward.  I do use suppositories compounded with Baclofen/Valium/Ketamine fo
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Another episode on 1/28, stroke like symptoms.   I was doing well all morning, crafts for Brian and Michelle’s wedding, housework, phone calls, practicing piano.  I was signed up for an art event at the library that evening. I showered and was ready for my piano teacher to arrive.  As I went to answer the door my legs got week, could not walk straight, lightheaded and knew something was going south.  I asked her to sit with me.  I struggled speaking and dialed me husband on speaker, I then started repeating certain words “help”, “mom” “no”.   Consistent with the 2 past episodes.  I could not answer medical personnel’s questions appropriately as I would repeat and slur words.  Phil was already on his way to meet me at the hospital. EMS had me loaded up ready to go and they let my music teacher head home.  Once at Del Webb it was quite a blur.  They spoke with my neurosurgeon who was in Chandler Barrows for the next couple days and wanted me transferred there.  So by ambulance there I we
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Another year arrives 2020

I honestly don’t know how I have made it this far.   My husband, my health providers, and those that surround me with support and love.  My health providers that I have seen on a continuous basis have been my primary Dr, Dr Rossetti, Dr Michael Hibner my pelvic pain specialist, my pelvic foot therapists, Barrows Neurosurgery, Barrows Physiology, Ian Goldman in Urology, Dr Brenda Schilk in GI, Dr Kutz and Dr Bruce Hamburg at the Core Institute for pain management who I truly believed have saved my life.  If anyone bashed their pain Docs, they aren’t following what YOU want.  You need to follow what they want and they have every best interest at heart.  I have never abused or misused my medication and I have been under pain management for 6 years.  I tend to underuse and that can send me to a very dark place.   I have a team of mental health professionals that I began seeing in 2018.  I could not spend my days sleeping anymore, I knew the trauma had overtook my brain and I needed to seek
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Another week passes byug

I received my maintenance Ketamine infusion a week ago. Very Grateful to my neighbor, MaryKaye who took the time out of her life to once again, take me, and sit with me, until I was done & back to reality.  This infusion did not seem to help me so much as the ones prior.   The previous ones spiked my interest right away about arts/crafts.  This one did not see to make a  Big difference.  I found myself cancelling all appointments the following week, some even medically  necessary. I stayed in the same clothes for several days and my resonance hygiene suffered greatly. I tried to find an outlet for this mood, so I became more Involved in coloring. Joining an online “club” called “coloringbliss.com”.  I tried hard to use this, as I realize how therapeutic art can be.   Isolaxtion has truly set in, people have gone on with their lives, and that’s ok, it’s completely unxderstandable.   Friends have gone back to work, moved away,gotten, busy, or just assumed I was getting better.  Trut
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Starting up again

I do not know why it’s been so long since I have written.  I was in a very dark place that took months to get out of with the help and support of a good Psychiatrist and counselor.  Yes, I have been diagnosed with PTSD and depression.  Mostly from the “incident” and how significantly it has changed my life. There were days I was sleeping over 18 hours a day, not leaving the house for 3 weeks at a time.  The fatigue became so intense, once diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome by a sleep neurologist, I sought out the help of a psychiatrist.  I knew I needed one that had experience in Vicarious trauma.  Perhaps one that has worked with first responder trauma as well.  Once I found “the one” we began working together right away. Pairing me with a counselor who also works with the trauma I have experienced. I immediately was put on medication to help me stay awake, which has been beneficial, as I was unable to drive myself to appointments before never knowing when the overwhelming fatigu
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As the time goes on...

As the time goes on, I continue to have procedures, try new medications, and participate in pelvic floor therapy (which has now totaled several years)  I have not made much progress, the insurance is not wanting to approve any more sessions.  I do participate in Myofascial release which is a type of massage technique used to break up the scar tissue in the fascia. This is in hopes of helping my Cerebral Spinal Fluid to continue to flow without obstruction throughout my spine and to my brain. I have monthly membership at a local massage place.  Not many masseuse are trained in this technique, I am very lucky I have found one close to my home.  I continue to be wheelchair bound when going outside of the home shopping etc.  The spasms from the Pudendal nerve and injury to my spine is much to great to withstand walking/standing for longer than just a couple minutes.  My Dr has ordered an electric scooter for me, although I have not yet received it.  I was recently able to take a trip to
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